Her heart was thumping out loud.. She had waited long enough. A part of her warned her. But clouded as her sight was on the starry night, she could not stop looking out for her desire to materialize. Her young bosom heaved as she inhaled the sharp cold winds that played with her mane. There had been an urgency that day. A sensation that often surfaced but never overpowered, had finally succeeded in its try. She would go for it. The mistake she knew she was going to make, She would do it. There were a million implications that could arise from it, most which wouldn't be pleasing. And yet she had unthawed her sentiences and had gotten ready for the plunge. It hadn't seemed like a fallacious plan then. But what was she thinking?
As her obscure hope churned to reality, she felt the earth give away beneath her feet. She dreamily rose to a majestic height barely agnising it. The stars twinkled jocundly over her and the winds flirted all the more with her smile. It seemed perfect. It seemed chaste though she knew she would regret that rashness. Not all are intrepid enough to face their heart's desires out in the open. Not all can feel proud of finding and following what they long for. Because not all desires are innocent and not all of them are supposed to be sought out. There is a reason why they say Desire is the cause of all sorrows. But who is to tell a fickle mind that it needs the very thing it cannot have?
She danced a tango to the music within her. The helplessly inebriated tune of fantasies, craving and self-deception. She had succeeded in bridging her illusions and reality. She plundered around, defiled nature and tarnished milieu. Right above the place revered by millions. She flew long and far all night.. She felt light and satiated.. She crooned like the happiest macaw and glowed like the brightest lily. She had begun to feel probably she was mistaken about the repercussions. The feeling wasn't exactly yelling caution.
Only when the sun glinted on her quenched soul did she sense the air around her. It didn't smell like freshly watered grass anymore. It didn't seem to conceal her serendipity like a tree's shadow anymore. She tried to justify it then, but words failed her. She tried to make sense out of it. She, who was known for her unwavering determination, had given in to a silly heart's desire like a toddler. She didn't understand how, she of all people, was capable of such sacrilege..
The guilt was stabbing her, the ignominy of running behind sweet vicious fantasies were taking a toll on her. She wouldn't blame the cosmos for leading her to her desire. She wouldn't blame her desire that manifested itself in a way she wanted.. She had none to curse for how she felt, cos it wasn't the action itself that was corroding her but how she gave into it without resistance and how she went through with it sans a thought or regret, knowing she would feel otherwise when the air changed.
She just would had to live with her mistakes. She had followed her impulse without questioning and she was bearing the brunt of it. She would have to fix her roots to where they belong and nurture them from the start. And it was going to be a long journey. The flux of dreams and reality had cost her, her pride and dignity.
But she also realized that she wasn't a dead soul, she was only human and who is to desire a desire better than the frail human flesh? She was going to mend by embracing her mistakes. They did not make her any different a person than she used to be. She was glad she wasn't made of stone that most presumed she was. She was glad she wasn't strong for once. It was ok to take a break from being perfect and do something reckless. She was glad to know she was capable of defying her principles. Knowing that would only stop her from repeating it again.
Her foolhardiness was now making her wiser. It had cleared her sight to paint a picture of her true righteous desires. Her tangled brain had lead her in an uncertain roller coaster ride towards clarity. The guilt that nibbled her away was now leading her towards serenity. It was just one of the other million things she had to avenge wisely and she would do it.
She broke off her self embrace and looked up at the sky. The tiny whites were receding and the golden orb was warming the earth. The first of the rays lapped deep into her skin and it promised a new hope, new wisdom and a new vision. She had made peace with herself. A new day had come; that something she recognized, was not so new in her life.
aeroyogi
5-10-11
1 comment:
there is enormous power in the acceptance of one's true self; all desires and thoughts alike. sometimes perfection and courage is not in maintaining a resolve but in bringing a healthy balance, where your nurtured enough to see the clarity of your ambitions and to recognize the things that will, in your mind, be your worth. sometimes you need to let go and be rash and reckless, just see what was that longing all about. experiences and the accompanying wisdom are all part of life, ever growing and evolving. there is no shame in embracing your desires. its an added dimension to your persona, a powerful expression of your soul and rightfully it does not chip away from one's character and virtue. in fact, it diversifies your strength in more ways than one. excellent post swathi! and might I add, its timing is just perfect! ;)
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