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This blog is named after one of my poems. Even thought its not the best of the lot, I just fell in love with those words- The Psyche Unknown...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Perfect Date....

Nothing had been planned. It just happened. I hadn't asked for it nor expected anything like it. It was just a very ordinary warm day. All I did, was to just follow something as complex as a desire.

The perfect music..
The evening was relatively cooler. It had been one and a half years since I had sung to my heart's content in the way music was supposed to be practiced. It was quite difficult to launch a full-fledged Carnatic music recitation in Holland with a busy life oneself and even busier students for neighbors. Every day I sang a piece or two and hummed along while getting some chores done. I hadn't listened deeply to the timber of the tamboora in so long. That evening I just had to. It was destined that I unfolded my voice to the fullest and got every note perfect to the last of breath I could hold. I just had to get all the gamakas right and I desperately needed to confirm the life of music in me. Every single stroke of the strings from my tamboora (even though electronic) resonated somewhere deep within me on the very silent evening. I took a while to just listen to it. I then began.. It was a deep sense of pleasure, a sense of realization of purpose, of existence. Something I was searching for, for a long time. It was like an epiphany. The same kind I experienced when I had walked the entire length of a wind tunnel two years ago. I knew what the word “happiness” truly meant. Few hours where even after trying, I couldn't remember a single thing that could possibly make me worry. Everything in the world seemed glorious. A place where there was a solution to everything. A drugged effect you may say, but you would also acknowledge that music is one of the best drugs, especially when you feel its spirit glow inside you. I started with a varna, a simple mohana raaga varna.. I never imagined it would give me answers to so many doubts of the recent past. As I went through other raagas, an intense feeling of bliss settled over me.

A long time or short, I dunno, but it had grown really dark outside. I stepped out in the most perfect of light winds which carried the scent of a certain sweetness that I just couldn't ignore like other sweet aromas. It rang a few bells in the depths of my childish memory. It smelt like fresh grass, like soil, like a garden that knew was going to be regaled.

The smell had overpowered what little control I had over myself. A moment of almost impossibility where my head was crystal clear and I wasn't thinking of anything! Absolutely nothing running in my head! I literally was in the moment. Never did that happen before. I stood by the porch leaning against the gate and staring at nothing in particular.

The perfect rain....
And then something distracted me from my thoughtless reverie. The softest touch...The first touch in a long time that restored my soul to what it truly is! It didn't stop. First my hand, then my shoulder, to my cheeks and my forehead. Cool droplets came down slowly at first and then picked up pace unremittingly. Accustomed to clenching tight when Holland rained over me, I cowered a little but then my mind wrenched free as the innocuous droplets began to unthaw my shell. I could literally see the overheated earth below my feet melt away when the rain gods decided to grace me with the early monsoon showers. The sweet smell had been justified now. Soft yet quick, ambient rain drops.. I blankly walked out and stood on a street so deserted that a blind man could presume it was a graveyard. Outstretching my arms in the middle of the night, I soaked in every single molecule that came my way. The stress that had rigged my soul for the last two years and especially of the last few weeks had been wiped clean. The flavor in the air intensified and I gave up. I had become a slave to the ways of nature and I let it be. It seemed like an eternity that I stood there.

And yet when mom yelled out asking me to fetch the dried-a-lil'-while-ago-but-now-wet-clothes from the terrace, I thought I had stood there just for a few seconds.. I went up. The clothes were all dripping gleefully without the slightest hint of the annoyance it would cause mom. No point rushing now I thought. I sat down in the middle of the terrace half illuminated by the street lamp post. …. for quite some time...
Somewhere along I must have laid on my back. As the incredible early monsoons stopped, I could see the cloudless skies dazzle with its stars coiffured neatly.
Holland's skies had been always oppressed with clouds. I never for once saw a constellation up there. But to the delight of the high school girl in me, Orion, the hunter, my man, had come along with his brightest belt and the shiniest knee. A little away from Betelgeuse was Sirius and it looked like he had the widest grin for me. Sirius was still the most-fairest of all and evidently the
The perfect Orion..
the star of the stars! I still couldn't figure out which star completed the Big dog's tail (there are many around) as Sirius twinkled mischievously, comprehending my confusion, as always.
It was like the ground and the sky had become one. Sirius had hypnotized me. I was lying in space, passing the stars as I floated along. The enormity of this universe seems surprising every time I see the skies. Just unimaginably big and beautiful. Highly astonishing that men fight for few square feet of land when every man could own the universe in his own way. As of that moment, it belonged to me. Everything belonged to me. The oceans, the trees, the stars, the planets and comets, the space rocks and even vacuum. I was being sucked into the black hole of a grandeur fueled by the gifts from beyond. I was a creation that knew the existence of every other thing. I did not possess many things I longed for. But it was just going to be a matter of searching and finding them...just a matter of time.......

It was a very long time before I returned back to my terrace that night- rather the next morning.

As I climbed down the stairs, I realized what a perfect evening it was. I could never come up with an answer before, when people asked about my idea of a perfect date, but today I just had one. With myself. The one I needed so desperately to keep my sinking relationship afloat.... The one that was due for a long, long time.... The best one I ever had and probably will ever do. That was my perfect date..........


Monday, February 14, 2011


Uncertainties.... They seem to keep abreast with her life.. The moment of clear elation 24 hours ago disappeared as swiftly as it had come. Thronged by failures from all sides, she stared endlessly at the most mundane of things. They had brought alongside a herculean gust of dubiousness, pain and self-disgust. How did she land herself in this position? Where was the ambitious, successful and respected woman that once embellished her psyche? She felt the ridicule showered from all sides sting her deepest vein like venom on lesions.

She tried to track her moves back to point at a single big mistake that had catapulted her into this muss only to realize that every move she had made in the recent past had been faulty. It was surprising how she even managed to stand upright till now. She looked for someone to blame, may be God, who she wasn't sure if existed, her menial brain power that had time and again embarrassed her in midst of people who knew not the meaning of the word, her stars which she never believed before and many many more quarries that she deeply knew weren't responsible for the spot she was fixed in.

Her mistakes seemed to regard her in pure parody anywhere she turned around. And like salt over raw wounds, disappointment oozed from the faces of her beloved ones. They had been hurt too. And that realization only entwined her intestines tighter. She searched for a way out, only to find all the exits had been sealed. She was drowning and only the will to survive gifted her the air she desperately needed. Her life as she had empathized whirred past her guilt-stricken eyes as one motion picture. Very dearly held moments of determination appeared ghost-like staring in the pale green of her eye. Could it be her? Could the situation be real? Her grit had been unmatchable.. her persuasions could never bend back without showing the light.. her promises and deeds had awed many-a-like and inspired most to a better living.. Where had it all gone wrong?

Her head had immersed now deep into the puddle of her fears cast like a transparent black envelope, smothering even the capability to wish for endurance. Slowly, she was losing everything that she had built, things she had so meticulously fought for and had cherished as her life's best....

Then came the greater fear, the dread of losing the same virtue that had tossed her to the top. Her eyes became shot clear at that instant and locked on the mouth of the blackness. She gagged beneath the heavy veil and groped to find something....anything.... that could reunite her with her courage. For she knew, that was the only thing, that could support her in a difficult penance she sought to embark. Indeed mistakes had been made, but there had to be a path to redeem her sins. If life could have an exit, its problems surely as hell do have one! It was going to be a long, slow journey to salvation and she knew she had to face it. A few steps in this course had already given her immense energy to plough forward amidst her failures. They had cumbered her enough, they would no more.. even if they multiplied. Uncertainties glided alongside just to remind her that they have always been there, and that she just hadn't noticed them before..She would fight.. fight till death stopped her.. cos she was a woman of power, talent, inspiration and realization. A woman as unique as uniqueness could trot in pride. Mere human coercions was never able to destroy her before and they wouldn't in future.. She would meet her fortitude.. she would meet herself again........