Random paranoia...

*Disclaimer- This could possibly be the most nonsensical post of mine till date! Read at your own risk although I kinda like it cos I 've never done this before!*

Today, I want to write so many things and yet I'm not able to. No that I have a mind block on ideas or anything, but just that I dunno how to put it. Poetry? Paragraphs?And neither way, I'm getting the right words..What comes after what? I want to encrypt it and yet want the message to be out loud and clear. I'm jittery, scared, angry with myself and hating so many things today. Lot of negative aura.. I dunno what is wrong with me.. I dunno if I really want to publish this post too..

I want to write a poem, but all I get is lines from my previous ones.. I want to direct certain things to few people and the world alike, but what is holding me back? I cannot see sense in most of the stuff happening around, happening within me.. And I want to scream out loud...I have a raging headache today and no amount of coffee is helping me.. May be I'll just write what comes to my mind first!

I just heard about the bomb blasts in Assam and I'm paranoid. Its so maniacal that people think so viciously.. Isn't the world everyone's home? I realise this statement after being in a foreign country for 3 months. There is nothing like your country, my country or your religion, my religion.. Just because you stay in one piece of land for a long time doesn't mean that land becomes great and you have to despise, disrespect and entomb the other. The more you travel, stay and try adapting to a new place, you begin to realise that you are glad being a human on this earth. That's when you realise how much you are mistaken about another country. You begin to understand the existence of human race when you meet people from all over the world, some with great philosophical and scientific temperament, talk continuously and delve deeper into the myths and facts. The entire world is your place and all the rules are man made.. But for what?! I do not understand. Why is there division at all? The globe is yours, your foreign only when your out of it! The war for survival begins there.. Against odds, against alien conditions, against life if there is so. But why here?

Well, again this was not what I wanted to convey but yeah, I just did it.. This wasn't exactly my problem a while ago...Have I lost it completely?

I am angry with myself for a lot of reasons here today. For starters, I am suddenly upset about leaving India where people like me are needed. I'm not saying that I will conquer the world for India by my ingenuity or brains but yeah, there are thousands of villages that require some dedicated engineers to help develop. Tried convincing myself that I will go back and help build but I'm still dissatisfied! Not convinced..Feel like a traitor. And I'm contradicting my own view here with respect to the above para.. I know that. But what the heck! That's what I felt! I think I have lost it completely today!

You would think I'd learn my lessons fast but I haven't apparently, atleast with respect to one particular chapter of my life. Why is that? I can never try and test my firmness in this one particular instance. Have never been so wavy in my decisions. Never have let my essence override the mind's determination. But why on this issue, is it all going topsy-turvy?

Also I wish I had loads of people around me now. Now that's really weird, even for my standards! Never actually wished for something like this before. Am I just being homesick? They say there are lots of ways to find out if your home-sick.. None of them are matching what I feel..May be its different for me.. weird that I always have been.

My mom has begun reading my blog. I dunno if she does it on a continuous basis but she knows my blog address now! Initially I thought it would be nice cos' I wanted her to read my poems. But after she read a couple of my posts, I have almost lost my sense of freedom to write! A terrific critic that she is, she is also the cabinet member, minister and the president of censor board for my blog! I have already had to remove certain material that she thinks will ruin my "prospects" in future.

I'm just tired.. I'm scared.. I'm not happy with my progress in various fields. Loads of expectations to meet.. but I'm just so not into it! And I know I can't go on like this. But I'm still in it!!

Hold on...

(After a break of an hour)

I just spoke to Vignesh..One another friend I'd treasure. He always is so calm and can soothe you down if you want. Feeling much much better. I really don't think above paras make any sense but I guess Ill post it anyways. They are all so random and do not make a point anywhere I guess. But after writing for so long, I don't have the heart to delete it. My problems aren't solved. But I just realized, I always have had them and I have dealt better with it...may be I needed a break and writing always has helped.. Dunno if it was Vicky or it was just me, I'm getting back to my normal self...

May be this is an anti climax sort of thing for the post.. Something not expected...but hey, I bet you remember the disclaimer put before!:)

aeroyogi

Nov 22, 2009, 10pm