Jennyfer...Jennyfer...

Its a hard life

To be a tough girl

But deep within

You have not been here.....

Jennyfer..

Its a dirty kind of love..

Jennyfer

You don't need it anymore

Let your heart have a rest

Its been broken so many times before..

I dunno what Crucified Barbara team had in mind when they wrote/sang this song...It was accidental that I heard this song today but it impressed upon me that this is so true; for so many girls in so many different ways... whatever the band intended, they wouldn't in their direst imagination conceive the ideas that are currently running in my mind..I somehow can't express all my musings here and be assured, you don't want to stand amidst my thought processors sometimes. You will burn out by the mere heat emanating from it, forget swimming in the bus systems.

But yes, being a tough girl isn't an easy job. Her mind has been tampered with many times in many ways and she has survived it all. She derived strength from those moments. But somewhere close to the mind-(I no longer believe in the concept of hearts, Its always, ALL IN THE MIND!)- tougher the girl, stronger her are emotional minuses. To the world she might be a daredevil, but once her deepest negative emotion is stirred, she can destroy everything she built for herself through her emotional foolishness. She can embarrass herself when ought not to, she can forget her goals, dreams, ideals and every other thing that actually matters to her when pricked at the place where it hurts. Strong girls aren't always strong! All you have to know is the cave she always avoids when she goes hunting. Finding that may be a little difficult, but once known, she is your puppet!

I recently had a chat with some Indian girls and their predicament was the first thing that struck me when I heard this song. I will talk about Indian girls only here cos I haven't come across a girl from the western world who seemed to fit into the description below.

There are a lot of Indian girls who are quite brave. Those who dare to dream, those who dare to pursue and those who have a vision in life. But most drop out of it early in life. Let me share few facts, I'm feeling generous.. Most Indian girls-strong or not have a common emotional negative-Parents! I call it a negative cos its the emotion towards them is always in excess. Its like a combination of all emotions in one bundle that is way too much for the bag to handle and hence is overflowing. Indian girls are capable of feeling/showing love, gratitude, hate, resentment, desperation, obedience, depression, anger and respect, yes RESPECT towards their parents all at the same time. How a simple frown on the parents' faces can melt even the toughest of girls!

Indian girls have always had a rough run since ages. Our western counterparts might have endured it in the past(quite minimal when compared to Indians), but I don't think there is a cause for worry anymore for them. Things have changed a lot in the recent. But for the desi girls, its restrictions, parental/peer pressure and a million other requirements to be the best of the lot. The worst part is these work effectively in creating a negative aura around the girl and only when triggered by the parents! The mentality is such that the parents do not let go off one day in her life without reminding her of her bounds, duties, flaws and requirements. Probably its this emotional scar that was created at her birth that fails to keep the tough girl going tough! Some obligation, some acceptance to defeat, some unknown finality that she always knows she would have to bow down to.

“For the first time in my life today, I truly despised being a girl. There have been times in the past when I have cursed/wished I wasn't born a girl. They were silly and stupid. But it was only today that I realized the implications of being born an Indian girl.” The friend I was chatting with poured out to me. Listening to her story, I felt she was acting a lil' stupid! All her parents did was to Skype her with a frown on their faces about her recent decisions of going abroad and the related issues. She had broken down..rather they had broken her down. A girl of grit was now in pieces. And the main reason? They had thought of getting her married! I thought it shouldn't be a big deal. After all, it takes time for everything. She'd still have time. But then she asked me to stand in her shoes. I did. The situation I then saw was different,scary! And yes, horrible. Imagine you are 22 years old with truckloads of dreams and visions for the future and you are asked to follow a guy(of course after the marriage!!!) wherever he goes and that too across continents. The girl is allowed to study/work but, choice limits to the options in the city/state the guy lives. Its hard when a parent doubts your abilities and points out a recent “mistake in decision”, turns all droopy eyed and sore-throaty and adds few sentimental statements that pinch you cold and hard like Holland's rain.(The ultimate one being “Our destiny, this is the fate we have been entitled to” in the most despairingly vacant voice and a deep expression of resignation etched on their face.) Its hard to maintain your go-get-it attitude or kick-the world-in-the-shins demeanor or your I'll-live-the-way-I-want confidence or for that matter your come-what-may-I'll-fulfill-my-dreams enthusiasm. I realized when she said it..its all crushed by one statement from the other end. And this works only on Indian girls I think! I can't see the western counterparts falling for such acts. The bond/attachment/what-the-hell-ever it is, runs high and fast only in the Indian girl's veins I guess. It is easy to break strong girls eh? Those girls who are actually capable and enthusiastic of doing something worthwhile with their lives rather than just getting married and continuing the tribe. Parents may not knowingly en-cash it but they do!

And along the same lines-I don't understand some of the traditions that have been followed since times immemorial, across different parts of the world. (Okay you might have come across exceptions, but that is not the usual..) Why is it that, the woman is asked to relocate with her man? Why is it that she is required to change her last name to his family name? Why is it that always her options depend on the guy's situation?? I know things change when there is a kid involved because the maternal hormones are hell more prominent than anything else in this world.. But why until then is she always limited?? They say girls and boys are treated equally these days. Whoever says that are BSing..BIG TIME.... I have loads of other questions-most for which I know the answers that lead to greater BS. I don't think you should come any closer to the processors now!

Deeply rooted blind and biased belief systems, unchangeable mentalities, fear of questioning elders, exceptional respect for elders, exceptional expectations from the children-all these not seen in the western world runs like blood in the body in Indian ménages. I dunno if it should change or if it ever will (I do hope it does to some extent in all families and not just the rich and fancy) but all I know is strong girls have their weaknesses. Those who are capable of exploiting it(a.k.a parents), do so. But if the girls can hold on to their senses for those exceedingly excruciating moments of emotional torment, then it is definitely possible to find a way out of every black hole! After all, girls who dare to dream also dare to cross hurdles and usually are equipped with a bit of common sense and a talent to leap over troubles!

And now, I hear another apt song on the radio-Lindsay Lohan's “That girl was me”.. :) This one is also so damn true! Drama queen or not..Check it out.....Let the lyrics inspire and the music re-energize you...

“There was a girl I knew who always wanted to be the one to stand out from the crowd

Always believed that she was gonna live her dreams

That what went down was gonna come around

For all the doubters, non-believers, the cynicals that once were dreamers

One of these days you'll open up your eyes

And you'll realize

[Chorus:]

That girl was a one time teenage drama queen

A hot, tough everyday wannabee

But she'll have changed her destiny 

Now she's a somebody

That girl was a wild child dreamer but she'll find herself

'Cause she believes in nothin' else

And you'll look back and you won't believe

That girl was me

Armed with an attitude that she knows how to use

She's gonna get there any way she can

Now she knows what she wants

No one is gonna stop her

Nothing's ever gonna hold her back

For all the doubters, non-believers the cynicals that once were dreamers

One of these days you'll know that you were wrong (who would've know) [Chorus]

Life is a work of art- you gotta paint it colorful

Can make it anything you want

Don't have to stick to any rules

You don't need a high IQ to succeed in what you do

You just gotta have no doubt just believe in yourself

Doubters, non-believers, once were her dreamers

One of these days you'll open up your eyes

And you'll realize [Chorus]"

aeroyogi

22/11/2010

Allegory-Dethroned....

It struck her hard... She was just coming to terms with the new reality and an old saddle fell down crashing on her..

All she wanted was to clean up her past and let the shine of the present lighten her spirit. But then she winded up questioning her own identity. For she had so dearly associated with it, that even distance and time hadn't erased the bitter-sweet memories of a world she had construed. The world which strayed out of its orbit to another galaxy.

She had been dethroned. She had been replaced. Stripped off all her dignity in front of the world. The hopes she once foolishly harbored in her willfully dim psyche had been squandered. She chided herself for not realizing beforehand that this day would come. What was she expecting?A warm welcome back with probably a deeply written apology?! She was feeling the sting of her predator even long after she had been set free.

And the lonely evening offered no help in alleviating it. She looked out of her window and couldn't recognise the dampish road that reflected the twinkling lights from the mystic Chinese entrepot. May be it was the November mist that obscured the window or the shock and the anger that clouded her eyes, she felt lost amidst a haze of billowing long coats..

The sound of typical high-heeled boots reached her from across the street and she instantly realized her nakedness in the world. Once, a happy aspirant, was now stranded with all doors closed and guarded by a heavy iron mantle. She had tried to move it, she had tried to get back to the one thing that had made her vulnerable, to the one thing that had pulled her out of her tediously built fort, to the one thing she foolishly thought was going to last for a lifetime, but as destiny would have it, she only slipped on to the muddy uneven ground below.

There were days when she had reined, days when she wept-but not for herself, days when her soul flew off her grasp ecstatically and days she had hastily retraced steps back to her cover.And after more than a year of nonchalance, in fact neglect, she still felt the pang of all emotions bundled as one. This wasn't new to her but the knowledge of knowing she had been replaced charred her cells till they were dead.

A finality had been reached and she hadn't planned on encountering it. The totality of the universe seemed to be acting in unison,screaming out changes since a long time and she never suspected it for once. Her true innocent nature that rippled in her veins had distracted her from the harrowing truth.

And now all she could do was stare out of her window. She couldn't shed a tear, may be that would have helped. But it wasn't grief cos she knew she was once glad to fall out of captivity of negativity. It was disbelief, anger- with herself and the world. She had let them mock while she shed her real identity and had transformed into a puppet. She had enjoyed it..

She would still go around the universe, holding dearly the world she once owned. She only had to search for it now.

 No, How could she?! She was in a better place after all, she had flourished multi-fold. Her self-respect was indeed the top priority.

 But  the world she owned was definitely the most beautiful of all. If only there was a binding force...

No, it was gone, she had to snub the other feeling. She couldn't let it go on. There would be a better place and she would take a root there.

At the moment, a whirlpool of autumn leaves carried the cold winds to her. It stung her but she endured it. She knew she had to prevail through it, she could acclimatize, same as with her new position.

The cold penetrated deep into her nerves even though the fresh golden yellow leaves covered her torso. Vengeance some day would feel sweet. She would taste it for sure.

 Her cold lips quivered in her smile and her eyelids closed tight pushing forth two tiny pearls of droplets that glinted in the blue of the diamond like eyes that shone far far away from her.....

aeroyogi

9/11/2010